We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
