She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
