And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
