I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
