I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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