I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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