i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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