You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
