You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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