Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
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she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
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I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize