I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
