The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
