Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
