he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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