you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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