Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
is wine microwaveable?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
