I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Randomize
