Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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