God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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