I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
