I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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