The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
