I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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