There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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