Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
