we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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