Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
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