Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
