Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
