I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
