Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
