My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize