1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
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Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
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The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.