I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
