Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
