Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
