I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
