Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
