I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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