Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
