So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
