I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You made out with two different species that night
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
