Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
3pm strippers are depressing
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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