I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
