I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
