yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
