Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
