Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
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