soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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