Too much gin, very little bucket
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
