Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
