I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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