This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
