if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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