I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
