nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
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The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
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What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize