my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
