I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
