can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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